Programming Languages as seen by the Uncyclopedia

Java:

“Saying Java is good because it works on all operating systems is like saying anal sex is good because it works on all genders.” ~ The Pope Java is renowned for its industry-standard visual interface which supports up to 16 colors thanks to its cutting-edge SmartColor™ technology./n The Automatic Garbage Collector, which is often associated with Java, has since been nicknamed „Duke”, after the computer game „Duke Nukem”, due to the trail of destruction it left, although Sun encourages its developers to shun the name.
Perl:
PERL is a language of computer domestic accomodation sold in IKEA raw with discount, no credit card, everywhere… and so for. Over the years, PERL mutated more and more and finally reached a stage where the syntax changes all day long, it takes about 3 hour until the complete syntax has changed. It now combines the power of sh, the clarity of sed, and the performance of awk with the simplicity of C. Windows Vista has been rumoured to be a complete port of the original PERL Windows code into C. This would explain, well, everything.
PHP:
“Wha? Oh sorry, I was looking for PCP.” ~ Oscar Wilde on PHP PHP stands for Awesome HTML Generation Engine, but no one knows why. Some have suggested that the name is a recursive expansion like „GNU” (Got No Underwear). Some say that PHP coders make lousy lovers, my hand disagrees with this statement. After his last T-Shirt flinging machine blew up, it was widely believed that Mr. Gosling lost his mind. At that point he began muttering to himself and banging on his keyboard like a chimp on Red Bull. After 10 minutes of this outrageous behavior, he emerged from his cubicle with the first prototype of PHP. PHP is nothing more than a thin wrapper around the BASH scripting language. The code was then obfuscated six times, emailed to India, lost, found, lost again, emailed back to the US, failed to compile, then thrown away and reimplemented in COBOL. This design makes it extremely flexible, fast, and explains why Gosling was able to create the first prototype at all.
Found via IT conservations

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